I’ve never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I was—they couldn’t get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate old grudges, and while this might ding my Wahhabi bona fides a little, I gotta say it: You Americans have really won me over.

Now this probably won’t come as any surprise, but I was pretty ticked off at you guys back in the day. I don’t just do 9/11 to every jerk who cuts me off in traffic. But it occurred to me recently that as mad as I was at the United States about things like Israel and global imperialism and those Navy Seals shooting at me and my family in Abbottabad, there was still so much I just didn’t know about America. So I decided to take a look, and let me tell you, I love what I found!

That barbecue you’ve got, for instance—not exactly halal, but damned if the stuff doesn’t hit the spot with some mac and cheese and a root beer. I can tell you for a fact that if any of the 19 hijackers had tried the ribs I had last week, they’d have thrown their box cutters in the trash and booked a direct flight to Memphis. And at the risk of saying something more controversial than my support for establishing a Pan-Islamist caliphate, I actually think Skyline Chili is pretty fantastic. I’ve eaten so much of that stuff I had to get another camo jacket two sizes up.

Allah knows I can’t stay angry at the country that makes Cherry Garcia!

You’ve definitely brought me around on American television, too. The old Osama would have written it off as vapid Western decadence promoting anti-Sharia values, but now that I’ve given it a chance, I’m on my fifth American Dad! rewatch, and I legitimately think the writing from season three on is as good as anything in the Quran. To think I almost killed Seth MacFarlane! Big 90 Day Fiancé guy, too. And speaking of great stuff, whew, NASCAR! I keep telling my Saudi pals who bankrolled 9/11 that they’ve gotta do some kind of LIV Golf thing with stock car racing.

Also, have Hall and Oates been American this whole time? I don’t know why I thought they were British, but “Rich Girl” has been my jam since the Soviet-Afghan War. I pretty much had it on loop in Tora Bora. Really kills me that those guys hate each other now. And the stuff Taylor Swift is putting out these days, man! I don’t think there’s ever been a better concert than the Eras Tour. She’s a generational talent, and kafir or not, her winding up with Travis Kelce feels like a real-life fairy tale.

Fatwas be damned, a guy can’t help but root for that.

I know there are still some skeptics in al-Qaeda, but if watching Simone Biles’ floor routine from the 2024 Olympics doesn’t make you at least America-curious, there’s something broken in you. C’mon. American sports are cool! The American flag is cool! Fuckin’ bald eagles, fireworks, even those Black Hawk helicopters you sent to kill me—they’re all cool as hell. Maybe not my place to say it, but the new World Trade Center’s beautiful, by the way. You always could turn lemons into lemonade, and that can-do resilience is just another thing I admire about you guys.

So anyway, happy birthday you crazy infidel bastards! Your charm offensive succeeded where the global war on terrorism never could. And if you ever need somebody to fly a 767 into the Shanghai Tower, you just give your old buddy Osama a call. We’re good now, you and me. 

Osama bin Muhammad bin ʿAwad bin Laden founded the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda and authorized the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. He writes a nationally syndicated column and resides in Miami with his wives and corgis.

The post All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over appeared first on The Onion.