NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. “These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds,” said National Audubon CEO Elizabeth Gray, who warned that terns, pelicans, and all other bird species that consort with penguins would also be subject to excommunication until the banished species repented and returned to the Audubon flock. “Penguins are barred from receiving all benefits of communion with the Audubon Society, including habitat protection, charitable services, and advocacy for the species. Bird-watchers will turn their binoculars away from you, and all information about penguins will be removed from bird-watching guides. We’ve tried to reach out to penguins to bring them back into our brotherhood, but they have refused to reform themselves, and their sins leave us no other choice. May fish turn to ash in their mouths and no water sate their thirst.  Let them be cursed in the sea and cursed on the rock. Let their feathers be forever ruffled, and their beaks be forever chipped. Nostra potestate, has aves lapsas a regno pennatorum excommunicamus.” Gray added that none of the flightless birds would be welcomed back into the Audubon fold until they first renounced the penguins’ attempts to ordain females as colony leaders.

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