ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the new Tompkins University has had an absolutely pristine record when it comes to handling sexual misconduct,” said university president Michael Kotlikoff, adding that the word “Cornell” had already been replaced throughout the school’s website and had been covered with strips of masking tape labeled “Tompkins” on all merchandise at the campus store. “Here at Tompkins University, we pride ourselves on taking every sexual assault allegation seriously and conducting investigations appropriately. Since its founding earlier today, Tompkins has proven that a superior education and a safe, responsive environment go hand in hand.” At press time, the new school had reportedly changed its name to Willingham University after the Tompkins 7 were named defendants in a sexual assault lawsuit.

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