Showing kindness can be a double-edged sword. While it is the morally upright thing to do, giving too much puts you at risk of being taken advantage of, even by those you trust most.
A woman learned this lesson the hard way after enduring years of manipulation from an old friend. She had been taken for granted since their college years, which, at the time, blinded her to realizing how toxic their relationship was.
But after waking up to reality, she carried out a brutal, petty revenge plot that seemed to put her at peace.
It’s not always a good thing to show too much kindness, even with people you trust
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A woman learned this lesson the hard way with an old friend from college
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She tried expressing her concerns, to no avail
Vitaly Gariev / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Fed up, the woman decided to get even through some petty revenge
There is a thin line between kindness and self-abandonment, and many may not realize they are blurring it
For many of us, “being a good friend” means showing up in a time of need. It’s showing attentiveness and giving them the time of day, even if it means making sacrifices.
While it is a noble act, it may also mean treading into self-abandonment territory. University of Toronto researcher Mariana Bockarova defines this as the “chronic tendency” to override one’s own needs, boundaries, preferences, and emotional experiences to maintain a connection, like a friendship.
“While it can be mistaken for kindness by others and, indeed, the person abandoning themselves in relationships, self-abandonment is fundamentally a disconnection from the self, which is done with a particular goal in mind,” Bockarova explained.
Bockarova noted that self-abandonment tendencies often reflect a person’s attachment style. Those who experienced inconsistency, criticism, or withdrawal from their caregivers may end up putting their needs aside to please others as adults.
She further explained that people who self-abandon may develop patterns of having difficulty setting boundaries or avoiding conflict, and may be hesitant to express their own needs.
“Perhaps this is because, on a deeper level, they recognize the asymmetry in the relationship and fear abandonment if they voice their own needs,” Bockarova wrote.
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The author should’ve set boundaries early on, something she also eventually realized. And she could’ve done it while being accommodating towards Holly.
Dr. Erin Leonard, a practicing psychotherapist for 20 years, says this can be done by doing favors only when there are no consequences. In the woman’s case, she could’ve supported Holly in other ways, without letting her rack up an expensive phone bill, for one.
“Helping a friend is important when a person is free and able,” Dr. Leonard wrote. “But assisting another should not trump personal commitments which, if neglected, may negatively impact the person’s relationships, work, or life.”
The author’s realization came years later, but it was better late than never. And while her revenge plot seemed harsh, she may have seen it as the only sensible way to handle someone like Holly, which was understandable.
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