WASHINGTON—Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. “For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to continuously reduce the number of Americans being intentionally shot, choked, or stabbed to death, which has led to runaway inflation in the value of human life,” FBI Director Kash Patel said in a press conference, adding that the “irresponsible” rate cuts made under President Joe Biden were to blame for the nation’s rapidly ballooning lifespans. “Effective immediately, we will be allocating $500 million to fund assassins, hitmen, serial killers, mass shooters, and other deranged individuals with a tendency to commit homicide, as well as $100 million toward bounties that can be earned for killing randomly selected Americans. Together, these actions will help restore our national murder rate to pre-pandemic levels.” Patel went on to say that if the number of Americans continued to grow unabated, the FBI would not hesitate to raise the murder rate even higher later in the year.

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