The release of Wicker on October 23 turned its leading man, Alexander Skarsgård, into the subject of an unusually spicy online obsession.
The film stars Olivia Colman as a lonely fisherwoman who commissions a basketmaker to create a husband for her, only to discover that her handcrafted companion can satisfy her in more ways than one.
While viewers have been busy imagining what life with a “6’5, blue-eyed man woven from rattan” would look like, medical experts have stepped in with some rather serious words of caution.
“Fantasy is healthy and to be encouraged,” said Dr. Amy Novatt, an OB-GYN at intimate wellness brand Dame. “My concern begins where fantasy tempts us to act it out literally at the expense of our health.”
Alexander Skarsgård’s wicker man role sparked such wild reactions that health experts had to intervene
Netizens have shared pictures of various oddly shaped home accessories that have suddenly taken on a rather different appearance since they walked out of theaters after watching Wicker.
“I just know it looks like this,” one user commented alongside a picture of a wooden cone.
“Wicker doesn’t splinter when it’s wet,” another quipped.
Reactions to Skarsgård’s movie have been so intense that even IKEA appeared to join the conversation, describing its wooden lamps, ottomans, cabinets, and headboards as “husband material.”
However, Dr. Novatt was less amused by the possibility of people attempting to recreate the film’s premise.
Speaking to The New York Post in an interview published on October 15, she warned that wicker objects could cause serious injuries if used for intimate exploration.
“Wood can splinter, and plant material harbors bacteria and molds that can cause infections,” she explained.
The gynecologist revealed that she had treated several women who sustained cuts, tears, and other complications while experimenting with foreign objects. Some of these cases were serious enough to require surgical intervention.
Novatt further explained that although the tissues in the lady bits can heal relatively quickly, that does not mean people should deliberately expose them to potentially harmful substances.
“It was not designed for receiving trees, shrubs or other plants,” she told the publication.
Dr. Evan Goldstein, a proctologist and founder of New York-based Bespoke Surgical, and Alex Hall, creator of The Bottom’s Digest, an inclusive, gut-healthy educational platform and digital cooking brand dedicated to anorectal wellness, also weighed in on the matter.
The experts highlighted the risks of getting intimate with a wicker object from the other end
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In an October 30 interview with Out, Dr. Goldstein acknowledged that “in theory, the a*us is very adaptable,” adding that “with enough patience, dilation and lube, the pelvic floor can learn to accommodate quite a lot.”
However, he also shared that he had spent the “past 15 years repairing damage from things people swore were ‘body safe,’ and a wicker p*nis had never once made that list.”
The surgeon explained that wicker is generally made from woven willow, reed, or bamboo, meaning its wooden construction presents several problems, including the possibility of splinters.
“The anal canal is lined with some of the most sensitive skin in the body,” he told Out. “A splinter there is a very specific kind of emergency, and it usually ends with someone like me, a good internal camera and some surgical tools.”
Another complication, according to the doctor, involves lubrication.
Water-based products can soak into the reeds and cause them to swell, while silicone-based alternatives can become trapped within the woven material.
Oil-based lubricants present their own concerns because of their flammability.
Alex Hall, meanwhile, was equally dismissive of the idea, warning that no amount of preparation or lubrication could make a rough wicker surface safe for penetration.
He added that even considering such an experiment highlighted how poorly some people understood intimate health and safety.
“The real risk here is that s*x education is so bad that you would consider putting a wicker p*nis up in your b*m,” he said.
Dr. Goldstein outlined precautions for those who might try the trend anyway
The expert’s first recommendation was to avoid using untreated wood altogether.
He joked that anyone attempting to prepare their wicker companion would need to get it “sanded and sealed,” suggesting that a coat of polyurethane could make the surface less hazardous.
However, this should not be interpreted as medical approval, as a coating cannot reliably turn a woven household material into a body-safe product.
Goldstein also recommended avoiding excessive cleansing of your insides, as it could irritate the rectal lining before intimate activity even begins.
Numbing creams should also be avoided because they can prevent someone from recognizing pain or an injury that requires them to stop.
He suggested using appropriately sized glass dilators to gradually prepare the pelvic floor rather than attempting to accommodate an unsuitable object all at once.
Goldstein also discussed barrier protection, joking that a puncture-resistant option would be necessary.
“Many people choose not to use condoms these days, and I’m a huge advocate,” he said. “However, this is the one scene where I’m firmly pro barrier.”
“Go for a Kevlar c*ndom, if you can find one. Maybe two,” he added.
“The smutty monster reading book girlies are going to love this one,” a netizen said about the Wicker man trend
