ROCKFORD, IL—Toilet paper rolls hanging limply at their sides as they stood astonished in front of the home, local teens observed this weekend that their math teacher’s duplex was too depressing to TP, a discovery that derailed their night’s plans. “Oh God, this is where Mr. R lives? Guys, this doesn’t feel good,” said local 10th grader Brendan Winchell, who admitted his fantasies of egging his trigonometry teacher’s house were dashed in an instant when he noticed the peeling window shutters of the cramped, dismal duplex where the educator apparently lived. “This just feels sad. There aren’t even any bushes or trees, and the rusty rain gutters are practically falling off the place. I guess we could throw some toilet paper on his driveway, but there’s already kind of a lot of trash on the ground over there. Christ, he lives like this? He’s 58.” At press time, the teens reportedly scattered back to their vehicles after accidentally catching a glimpse of their teacher’s bare refrigerator.

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