OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from 2013 to 2017 is drunkenly stumbling back to my dorm with Halloween face paint running down my cheeks,” said the 31-year-old, adding that any other recollections of her social or academic life had been eclipsed by the nights she’d spent standing in the quad sobbing off the elaborate makeup she’d applied for her Frankenstein, zombie nurse, and “Sexy Mario” costumes. “I have a degree, so clearly I must have studied and attended classes. But for the most part, the only impressions that remain are crying so hard in a frat house basement that my Mario mustache came off, squeezing into the back of an Uber with yellow Minion makeup streaming down my face, and sitting hungover in a dining hall still dressed in the same mermaid costume I’d worn the night before.” Biederman also told reporters that despite graduating magna cum laude, being admitted to graduate school, and meeting her future husband, she had no memories from her entire senior year except getting her stomach pumped while dressed like a mime.

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