WASHINGTON—After sneaking into his Executive Residence bedroom in order to acquire the commander-in-chief’s briefs, special assistant to the president Natalie Harp was reportedly caught Thursday raiding Donald Trump’s underwear drawer. “We heard muffled grunting and sniffing from behind the president’s door, and so our team burst in immediately to neutralize any potential threat—but it was just Ms. Harp going through his Hanes again,” said Secret Service agent Michael Donowitz, detailing how a panicked Harp dove to the floor and scurried under the bed as soon as she heard the doorknob turning. “Honestly, this is hardly a surprise. On numerous occasions we’ve found Natalie rooting around in the president’s closet as well as licking his dirty plates clean.” When asked for comment, Harp delivered a muffled, incomprehensible statement after shoving the yellowed pair of briefs into her mouth.

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