BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that we want to say we’re sorry,” said Gov. Kelly Armstrong, noting that in addition to doing virtually nothing to help shape America’s storied history, North Dakota lacked any rich cultural legacy of its own, aside from the fact that Chuck Klosterman grew up there before eventually moving away. “We know some people might say, ‘Well, at least you’ve got Mount Rushmore,’ but nope, that’s South Dakota. The movie Fargo? That was all the Coen brothers. We had nothing to do with that. Honestly, we’re not even sure why there needed to be two Dakotas in the first place. I suppose that without us, the number of stars on the flag wouldn’t be a nice even number. So that’s something.” Armstrong also thanked the American people for letting North Dakota tag along all these years despite being dead weight and added that it would continue doing its part by remaining quiet and not bothering any of the states that really mattered.

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