Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements.

PRO

Have met same rigorous safety standards as Kranked XXXtreme Nuclear Berry Preworkout

Something interesting to talk about on next Hinge date

Survivors might enjoy enhanced health and fitness

Injecting unvetted substances better than injecting nothing at all

New thing to blame when health remains bad

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CON

Would need to learn what peptides are

Some unregulated peptides have yet to be officially approved by Joe Rogan

Don’t get to choose which Kennedy you’ll look like

Fewer pig bones available for glue production

Unable to tell if you’re getting too much or too little arsenic without an ingredient list

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