WASHINGTON—Interrupting a heated discussion about national cybersecurity vulnerabilities with a series of high-pitched squeals, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly spent Thursday’s Cabinet meeting somersaulting across the conference room in excited pursuit of his own penis. “Oh, I’m gonna get you! Yes, I am! Yes, I am! Come to Daddy, you slippery little prince!” said the nation’s top health official, who repeatedly tumbled head over heels between high-ranking administration officials, knocking over water glasses and scattering classified documents as he attempted to catch the elusive organ dangling just beyond his reach. “Where’d you go? Where’d my special little fella go? Oh! There he is! There’s Daddy’s marvelous worm! Look at him dance! Look at the clever boy dance!” At press time, sources confirmed Kennedy had finally managed to seize his penis and was lying on his back beneath the conference table, kicking his legs in delight while gnawing happily on his scrotum.

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