WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still perfect. “Americans, we come to you on your semiquincentennial with a dire dispatch: You must keep up the great work, because things will only get more amazing from here on out,” said one of the mysterious, polychromatic-clad figures, who introduced himself as Commander Mecha-Aquila of the 10th Robo Battalion and removed his helmet to reveal the head of a majestic bald eagle. “The United States might seem perfect today, but in 350 years it’s going to be even better. Yes, World War 5 will be scary! But when you’re celebrating your sexa-centennial amongst the beautiful charred remains, it’ll all be worth it.” According to witnesses, the time traveler could be heard yelling, “Please, we beg you—don’t change a thing,” right before he was run over by a police van and subsequently shot dead by federal officers.

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