WASHINGTON—Declaring that the time had come for the nation’s mightiest warriors to at last achieve a decisive victory in the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump called upon the American Gladiators on Thursday to finish the Iran War. “I am hereby requesting that our most muscular fighting men and women grab their double-padded jousting sticks, head to the Middle East, and finally end this conflict,” said Trump, adding that the mission would be led by standouts Nitro, Zap, and Gemini, who would be tasked with intercepting and neutralizing Iranian forces before they could deposit another ball in one of the region’s strategic scoring cylinders. “The operation will be dangerous, even for heroes as tanned and ripped as our gladiators, but rest assured, they will have access to our most state-of-the-art tennis ball cannons and blocking pads. The stakes are too high for anything less. If Iran successfully completes the obstacle course on Kharg Island, there may be no way of stopping it.” At press time, the nation had reportedly soured on the mission after gladiators in Atlaspheres accidentally rolled over more than 200 civilians.

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