RALEIGH, NC—Racked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween, a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it was struggling with survivor’s guilt. “Of all the pumpkins that were murdered and mutilated, why was I the only one spared?” said the pumpkin, lamenting the cruel randomness that had left it unharmed while far worthier pumpkins suffered slow, horrible deaths. “They’re all gone, and I’m still here, and there’s no reason for any of it, no reason that serrated knife couldn’t have been cutting through my rind too. But here I am, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I don’t deserve to do anything. The time for doing something was before, when the killers were taping down the carving stencils, when maybe I could’ve helped my friends. But I can’t now. There’s nothing left but this miserable unearned life that will do nothing but torture me for as long as it lasts.” At press time, the pumpkin had reportedly felt some of its burden lifted as it was chucked into the gutter to rot.

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