With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldn’t be clearer. We’re deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind. But for me there’s only one issue that matters: hearing my name said aloud by a politician on national television.

That’s right—whoever says my name on TV gets my vote in the 2026 midterms.

Over the coming months, parties are going to spend billions on ads to convince undecided voters like me they have our best interests at heart. Candidates will travel thousands of miles shaking hands and kissing babies. But all I’m asking from you here are three measly little syllables (“Matt Meyers”) spoken on a major broadcast. When I put it that way, saying my name seems like a pretty incredible deal, right?

So this is me officially putting it out there. You don’t have to change your opinions on abortion or war. You can be a Democrat or Republican or even a Libertarian. None of that matters to me. As long as I hear you saying the words “Matt Meyers” during an interview or address, I will vote for you in November. That’s a promise you can count on.

One name (mine), one vote. That’s the offer.

It could be in a nationally televised speech where you say something like “average Americans like Matt Meyers.” Or you could just casually drop it in a conversation with Anderson Cooper, where you go, “You know, Anderson, all of this reminds me of something Matt Meyers once told me…” I can’t tell you the best way to do this. That’s your speechwriter’s job. But I can tell you exactly what will earn my vote.

Let me lay down some ground rules, so everyone’s clear on how this will work: If you want my vote, you need to say my name on actual TV, not YouTube or local radio or something. That doesn’t count. Also, you can’t be talking about a different Matt Meyers from, say, Dubuque, IA. (I’m from Ankeny.) And it definitely can’t be “Matthew Meyers.” No one calls me Matthew, except for my mom sometimes. But this won’t be my mom saying my name on national television. It’ll be a big, important politician. And if that politician cares enough to get my vote, they can get the details right.

Lastly, don’t talk about Dorothy Meyers. She’s my (much older) sister, and I’ll never hear the end of it.

Friends might gasp to think I’d give my vote away for so little. “Why not hold out and demand that when they say your name, they cut to a nice photo of you, or even have you in the TV studio itself so you can wave at everyone at home?” Unfortunately, I have a packed schedule, so I can’t do any of that. Also, to be clear, none of this is selling my vote, since nobody is giving me money. They’re just saying my name on television.

You might ask: What if both candidates for an election say my name in a debate or something? Well, I hadn’t really thought about that, but I guess whoever says my name a second time would get my vote. And then if it’s another tie, it’d be the third mention that takes it, and so forth. I don’t really see it going beyond that, though.

If possible, it would be great if the campaign that is going to do this reaches out to me in advance so I can use my phone to film the TV when it’s happening. My barber, Roy, isn’t going to believe it unless I can show him proof.

So, look, this is really a no-brainer: Many of these elections could come down to a few thousand votes, and so much is on the line. Are you really willing to risk not getting my support, given how little I’m requesting? I mean, my name isn’t even hard to pronounce. My boss’s last name is Aschenbrenner. I wouldn’t blame you for passing up saying a weird name like that, in case you screw it up. But mine is Meyers. That’s as easy to say on television as “dog” or “pencil” or something.

If this offer sounds intriguing, I also have a bunch of buddies I’ve talked to who feel similarly, so I’m going to list their names here, in case you want their votes as well: Roy Anderson. Kevin F. Schmitt. Tim Reilly. Greg Reilly. I might even be able to find more if you want.

Anyway, that’s my proposition. Take it or leave it. Given how much hangs in the balance, I don’t think it’s asking too much. And if you doubt my conviction here, just look at my record: It’s why I voted for Michael “My Close Personal Friend Matt Meyers” Dukakis back in 1988. That’s a choice I’ll never regret. 

The post Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote appeared first on The Onion.