There comes a time in every couple’s life when you have to decide a few things about the future. Whether you want to get married, have kids, how many kids you want, and, well, whether you’re actually compatible when it comes to living together.
This isn’t as easy as one might think, though. Any of these matters can easily make or break a relationship, and they all involve hypothetical situations about the future. But if you’re not on the same page, things can quickly go south. That appears to be the case for a man on r/relationship_advice who was seeking opinions about his wife, who insists on having another child.
There may come a time in every couple’s lives when they no longer see eye to eye
magnific / magnific (not the actual photo)
A man and his wife already had 2 kids, but she started insisting on having a third, despite the man already having undergone a vasectomy
asier_relampagoestudio / magnific (not the actual photo), ai-assisted image
prostooleh / magnific (not the actual photo)
Establishing goals in the relationship early on is extremely important
Changing your mind about whether you want children, or how many, is incredibly common. Studies show that as people reach their mid-30s and their reproductive window starts to narrow, they might suddenly want another kid. This is sometimes described as a “now or never” effect, which may help explain the woman’s sudden desire to have one more child despite their previous agreement to stop having children.
However, this wasn’t a good reason for the woman’s ultimatum. In fact, what she was doing could be considered reproductive pressure and coercion toward her husband. And this isn’t uncommon. While women are generally more likely to experience this form of partner violence, research shows that around 8.6% of men in the U.S. report experiencing reproductive coercion during their lifetime.
On top of this pressure, the wife is also weaponizing healthcare and economic leverage as tools of control, which can be a form of economic violence within a marriage. In fact, research published in Violence Against Women shows that economic violence occurs in up to 99% of toxic relationships. It can range from controlling money to withholding essential benefits or even sabotaging a partner’s employment.
stefamerpik / magnific (not the actual photo)
Staying in an unhappy marriage can be more damaging for children than having divorced parents
According to the narrator’s therapist, the woman was also showing “narcissistic traits,” which were evident throughout the story. Mental health specialists also warn that people who score high on Dark Triad traits, which are personality traits associated with toxic or harmful behaviors, may see relationships as a zero-sum transaction rather than an emotional partnership.
Unfortunately, despite all these warning signs, the narrator wants to stay in the relationship for his kids. However, sociological research suggests that staying together in a highly conflict-filled relationship can be worse for children than divorce. This is because children who grow up in high-conflict homes may have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and poor academic performance than children whose parents get divorced.
So, what should the man do? Well, legal scholars advise securing legal counsel before announcing an intention to leave, especially in a high-conflict relationship. If his concern is losing health insurance, filing for divorce and triggering an Automatic Temporary Restraining Order (ATRO) may prevent a spouse from dropping their partner from the insurance while the proceedings are still active.
That said, do you think there’s a possibility for this relationship to work out? Or is divorce the only option here? Let us know, Pandas!
Readers were clear: divorce was the only option here
